Life as a Mommy

It has been such a crazy journey so far in my new adventure as a Mommy that I have not had time to stop and take it all in. It is such an amazing thing to have this little baby begin it's life inside of you and then to watch it grow once it is outside of you. That in itself is a miracle. The moment that cry is heard for the first time you instantly become a Mommy. Instantly forgetting they are still sewing on you or whatever but all your focus is away from your discomfort and placed on this living miracle. Up to that point in my journey I was a "normal" mommy. The next day we found out our angel had her heart condition and it all changed. My story would forever be different from most anyone I would ever talk to. So many women only days before discussed being pregnant together, shared our stories and they were all the same. Talking to those same friends with their babies now who are all about the same age we no longer have this same connection to discuss where our kids are developmentally. I am thankful my baby girl is here and really thankful she is so tiny still and enjoying every move, every new discovery she makes, every new noise.. I love it all. But when I look at her and realize she is a week away from being 8 months and as all mom's do look at other 8 month olds I can't help but feel a little.. I do not even have a word for it but different. I have no point of reference to know she is doing what she is suppose to do. Most babies her age are spoon feeding, sitting up on their own and eating more then 20 oz a day. I feel like Jenny is making progress and doing better then she was but, as all mom's do, I worry is she catching up? And then in worrying that I feel guilty for not being just grateful she is developing in all the necessary areas even if it is a lot slower then most her age. Even typing this now.. I think I should not even post this but I can't help but feel that other mom's with these special little kiddos struggles the same. My husband and I find ourselves for the most part just taking in all she does and second guessing when we should try spoon feeding, should we just keep at it or push it or just let her develop in her own time. My only gauge is her cardiologist who says she is doing great. So we have resigned ourselves to just accepting she is continuing to develop at her own rate and that it does not have to be measured by other baby norms she is working on her own scale!! We are getting some peace in this and just enjoying each new skill she learns in awe and wonder as most parents do.

Thoughts after my day

OK.. Well today I sat from 9-6:30ish listening about 10 different kiddos situations. As I thought about my day and all I heard I question can we really help these kids? Are we really helping the situation or just delaying the inevitable? I know circumstances where we get outcomes that we call successful but could those kiddos have made it without CPS intervention anyway? Sometimes I feel like we are nothing more then abunch of Talking Heads analyzing the childs life.. watching from a far picking apart at the alien. Some kids break my heart.. We as adults see this potential, see this kid as an awesome leader or has something to offer this world but with all they have been through in there life they just can't see it for themselves. How many of our homeless, criminals, drug addicts, alcholics, and on and on really were these kids who have all this potential all to offer the world but they themselves can never see it. Unfortunately we can not save them all, there will always be homeless, criminals, drug addicts, alcholics, and on and on and some of which are tomorrows (list above) the very kids in foster care today. Sometimes is seems futile, sometimes it seems like we are spinning our wheels.. but then there is one or two who surprise us all and become or future nurses, doctors, child care workers, lawyers that have been to the bottom early in life and dug themselves out to change this world. THOSE ARE MY HEROS!! Those are the people who I admire most and I am thankful that through all the darkness that can surround my job there is hope and light. This is my prayer, for all the kids in foster care who everyone has let down, who has been thrown away from placement to placement, I pray for peace in your spirit, I pray for you to see your worth and to know that someone behind the scenes thinks you can do this, that you can make it and that your opinion is worth while!! I pray for you to find that thing that everyone is lookng for, your purpose, your place on this earth. We all have a place and a mission.. I pray you find yours! Mine is to pray for you and hope that I get a minute at least to let you know how important you are in this world!! Please keep fighting and know the harder things are in life the more you appreciate things and can give back. You are loved by the nameless, faceless people who make it their lifes work to care for you behind the scenes. GOD BLESS!!

A Whole New World

It has been a whole new world with my Jenny. She is ready to get up and go. She finally started sleeping through the night, she takes a brief morning nap and about an hour and half afternoon nap. Sounds normal huh!! THAT IS THE AMAZING thing to me!!! It is so strange how quickly it is like I have this baby who I no longer am worried about 24/7. I can actually sleep mostly through the night too. I still wake to check if she is breathing but I do not get out of bed to check I watch until I see the blanket move and go back to sleep from my bed. I am assuming this breathing check with go away at some point. It is awesome watching her start to grab for things for hours and not get worn out. She can play on the floor for hours seeing how many toys she can get wrapped around her arm..LOL she is sooo funny. I am getting excited with the new spoon feeding progress and for her to sit up on her own and so on. But I am taking in every moment trying not to miss anything. It has felt like we have had a newborn for 7 months and I really do not want to rest to go by so fast I miss a step. Thanks to everyone for the prayers. I really thought the anxious feeling in my chest would never leave but Peace and Rest are here. I watched my daughter tackle this surgery like it was nothing, with joy and with ease. So I am a proud mommy of a little girl stronger then I think I can ever be!!

Being a New Mom to a New Baby

Before the surgery, I had a quiet, sweet, baby who slept, ate, did her diaper business and smiled and cooed and her daddy and myself. NOW I have a sweet baby but she is anything but quiet, refuses to sleep and wants constant attention and wants all her demands met 5 mins before she started crying. LOL it is amazing. She definately likes some things and does not like others (especially her daddy or me leaving a room). Even if the other parent is in the room she shows her discomfort with the other one leaving. I know part of it is her being 6 months but another part of it is she now has the energy to show you what she really feels. And boy she can have a temper. It is awesome though. No matter what, not sleeping because she refuses too or if she is crying cause her music toy stopped playing music. Her cry, her smile, her looking at us like "what you expect me to sleep now?", whatever it is, is beautiful because she is here to do it. We are definately in for a brand new ride!! AND she is still healing!!!

Jenny is doing great!

Jenny is doing so great. She has had some blood pressure issues but that is normal according to the doctors. They have her on blood pressure meds and she is back to normal. She will get the chest tubes out tomorrow for sure and will be moved to a regular room. She is off all pain meds just Tylenol as needed. Today she has only needed it twice. She is an amazingly tough little girl. I got very broken up about an hour ago because straight down the hall a little kiddo coded and everyone was rushing in that room. I am very thankful that it was not our little girl and very upset for that family. I can not even begin to imagine. Tomorrow Joe and I are going to join the Parents Project and go do some arts and crafts and meet other PICU families. Everyone is so shocked at how good Jenny is doing and even though the amount of time expect to recover is 7 to 10 days.. they wonder why she is still here. She will either go home on day 6 or 7 depending on how well she does getting her chest tubes out. Well as usual, I will keep you updated.

Jenny's first sort of smile~~

Tomorrow is the big day

Well tomorrow we will actually get this surgery done. Jenny does not seem to be nervous at all (LOL). Daddy and I are just getting through today before the reality sets in again and they start preparing her for surgery. She has an Upper GI this morning and they found she has Reflux so she has some new meds for that. Other then that we are just chillin and trying to get through today. Here are some other pics of Jenny while we wait in the hospital.

Grammy and Jenny

Surgery Day

We were all geared up for the surgery today. We went through the early morning process, got her checked in, the family that came and gave their hugs and kisses and off she went with the surgeons. About two hours later we call to check on her because we have not heard anything. The Family care person comes to tell us the surgeon wants to see us. Of coarse I think.. he was not suppose to come and see us yet??? So I get nervous... Well it turns out after getting Jenny sedated that a code blue patient came in the ER and they had to tend to that child and that child was going to take all day to work on. So they were going to begin waking Jenny and sending us to a room to wait for her surgery to be done on Thursday or Friday. UGH.. We are here stuck in the hospital waiting for her surgery still. She has woken up fine and is now resting like the angel she is and Daddy and I are pooped emotionally and physically since we have been up since 3:45 AM.. Good night all and I shall keep you updated.

Another Day

I was able to stay home with my little girl today! She has pretty much wanted me to hold her all day, sleeping for only 30 mins or so when I lay her down and then we start over. I have loved it!! I needed a day to do nothing else but hold my girl and talk and play with her. She is amazing. We have 5 more days until her surgery.. I am trying my best to not get anxious and just rest knowing God has this but the thought of her having to go through this is hard to face. I have no doubt she will go through this and heal quickly. It is just the going through it and anticipating getting on the other side of this mountain. I know we will all make it through stronger for just having gone through it. Please keep us in your prayers.

This is how I feel right now.. Exhausted and cozy at home. I had a rough day at work. I was very emotionaly challenged today. The hits just would not stop coming. I am very overwhelmed with work and awaiting Jenny's surgery. But there is nothing like having a bad day and coming home to a hubby that has cooked you dinner and daughter smiling so big the moment she sees you. Somehow it melts the anxiety completely away.

Each Day a Reminder

It is a blessing to have a reminder each day of the fragility of life. Jenny has taught me how to look at the truely important things in life. Those things being, loving God and trusting Him, surrounding yourself with those who love you no matter what, and letting all the rest come and go as it will. I can not express the strength this little miracle shows me everyday. I feel so weak next to her. On just about a weekly basis she has blood drawn, x-ray's done (she actually loves this one), and has to be tested for urine infections by being catherterized.

After all she has to go through she will smile at the doctors or nurses or lab tech who had to do these things to her. Every where she goes people are shocked at her ability to be so joyful and peaceful through this all. When she is hospitalized the nurses from the whole floor will come to see her because they say she is the happiest baby in there. Like I said she has shown me such strength that I am in awe. Maybe you will think I am crazy but I see the compassion she already has for others in so many ways. She looks with concern on the TV if she hears someone crying or someone who seems sad she will give them a quick smile. My husband and I are truely in awe of this amazing little girl who, as most children do, is teaching us more then I think we will really ever teach her.

A LOT HAS HAPPENED

Well this picture says it all. Since I last blogged I have gotten married and had a baby girl. Her name is Jennifer and she has been a miracle all the way around. First of all my doctor told me for years he was not sure how easy it would be for me to have a baby due to two surgeries for endometriosis. About four months into the pregnancy I almost miscarried but Jennifer hung on miraculously. The day after she was born we learned about something brand new and I am not talking about how to change a diaper but we learned about Tetrology of Fallot. My daughter had a hole in her heart. Jenny has had a heart cath and it showed that not only did she have a hole in her heart but also was born without her pulmonary artery. She has a duct that remained open at birth that is providing blood to her lungs. Amazingly enough she has done so much better then her doctors have expected and is just about ready for her open heart surgery to repair her defect. She will have to have several surgeries over her lifetime but I do not doubt that God will completely show off in her life as He is already doing. It has been a journey that has brought my husband and myself so much closer to each other and to God so already miracles are developing out of my baby girls life. She is an instrument of Joy and Peace and I am blessed that God is letting me be apart of her life.